Illustratology - Thoughts and Sketches

What the Hell?

2010-05-18T09:57:00.005-04:00

Ok, Internet, you've finally fried my brain.

We've all seen the stupid banner ads on every website ever. Refinance your home, get government grants to go back to school, click the button and win a free iPod, this hot girl in her underwear is just dying to talk to YOU. That's all great and everything... but today I saw one that just contained more WTF than I could handle:

Seriously, this is a real ad.

About 3 years ago, I was offered a chance to "audition" for a Faustian-sounding job designing banner ads for the web. Work from home, embarrassingly high salary, and all I would have to do is toss off irritating little boxes and rectangles containing misleading, irritating propaganda. I spent a few hours designing 3 different versions of what I thought was a beautiful, sophisticated submission.

Did not. Get. The job.

Now, look up at that banner ad I posted. The old man with 7 chins and a confused, hurt expression. After consulting the ad's text, I can only assume that the pitiful puppy-dog eyes have something to do with this man's profound remorse that no, he is not a mother who has finished some college credits. And if he is, then I am convinced that there is a God-- a cruel, twisted God with an incredibly sick sense of humor.

On second thought, he may just be sharing my observations on this matter. I have never in my life seen a human face so accurately expressing the thought: "What the fuck am I doing in this ad?"

Testing mobile post

2010-03-25T14:08:00.001-04:00

This is something. Yay!

Confessions of The Synchronicity Killer

2010-03-25T10:11:00.011-04:00

Robert Culp is dead, and it's all my fault. Apparently my actions have the power to murder people from vast distances. It's never intentional, but it always seems to happen to talented celebrities that I happen to admire. Let me explain.

It all started in the summer of 2004, when I saw a Rick James t-shirt at a tacky beach gift store in New Hampshire:

Basically this, but with the actual Rick James's face.

I bought the shirt, mostly due to the mildly-amusing coincidence that my first name is Rick and my middle name happens to be James. (I sometimes use "Rick James" as a sort of pseudonym when singing karaoke or posting potentially inflammatory comments on web discussion boards. It's also a really good icebreaker at parties and bars.)

A month or so later, I was getting ready to drive to Pennsylvania for a camping trip with my college friends, affectionately known as the Popov Society. Stopping at McDonald's to pick up a cup of coffee, I accidentally pushed the lid on the coffee cup down too hard and the cup exploded boiling hot coffee all over me and the brand-new Rick James t-shirt I was wearing in public for the first time ever.

After a quick stop back home to change my shirt, I made the 5-hour drive to the campsite. I was the first to arrive. The second was my friend Mike. During some chit-chat, I recounted the story of my ill-fated Rick James shirt, and he just stared at me in disbelief.

"Dude... you killed Rick James," he said. I asked him what he was talking about, and he informed me that Mr. James had been found dead in Burbank that very morning, and it was all over the news.

I can accept mere coincidence, but something this huge and so seemingly connected blew my mind. I started to question the very fabric of the universe, and the possibility that I had just experienced, or even caused, a shockingly potent case of Jungian synchronicity (although technically, the very concept of synchronicity is, by definition, not directly related to causality). At any rate, to this day, I still feel responsible for the death of one of funk's greatest legends.

This is what everyone thinks of when you say the word "synchronicity".

Fast forward a few years, to March 2010:

As a longtime Netflix customer, I discover that they have the entire series of "The Greatest American Hero" available in streaming format, so I decide to start from the beginning and watch every single episode. It's not a particularly great show. The writing is corny and sloppy, the production is weak, but I still find that through the magic of nostalgia, I have no problem enjoying the escapades of Ralph, Bill, and the "magic jammies" as they repeatedly save the world from Russian spies and Arab terrorists.

In addition, I discover a local TV station has been playing reruns of the 1960's series "I Spy". On Tuesday night, I watched an episode of this equally ridiculous show for the first time since I was probably 10 or 11 years old.

Wednesday after work, my revisiting of "The Greatest American Hero" came to an end as I watched the series finale during dinner. 20 minutes later, I was informed that Robert Culp had died at the age of 79 after accidentally falling and hitting his head.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Believe it or not... this is the murder weapon.

Blogger Ruined My Life

2010-03-19T09:47:00.001-04:00

Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic. Anyway, everyone who reads this blog (yes, both of you) will notice that it looks like a piece of off-the-shelf preformatted crap right now. There's a reason for that. As of May 1st, 2010, Blogger will no longer support FTP publishing, which also means that the custom HTML blog templates I spent hundreds of tedious, meticulous hours designing for my own blog and two or three others are going directly into the toilet.

I figured I may as well get a jump on things and experiment with the remaining possibilities while I still have a little over a month to make the switch. I have set up a redirect from my site to the blogspot address that my blog is now being hosted on. I really hate this template, but it was the closest match I could find to the color scheme of my website. I hate that the post width is like an inch, or that there seems to be an indelible navigation bar built in to every template that Blogger uses.

Please, if anyone can point me to a fully-customizable blog service that doesn't require me learning an entirely new programming language to use, I would appreciate it. I am great with HTML and CSS, as well as SQL. I have experimented a very little bit with WordPress and was also looking into Tumblr, but I'd like some suggestions and advice before I decide to get too committed and entrenched in a new service. Blogger just isn't going to cut it anymore. Thanks!

EDIT: Since this post was published, I have discovered that Blogger has incorporated some new beta features that will hopefully allow me to customize the blog layout more than I had originally thought possible. Experiments to follow. Over and out.

Rick's Favorite Psuedo-Christmas Movies!

2009-12-09T16:50:00.002-05:00

I was woken up this morning by the sound of snowplow blades scraping against asphalt, and looked out the window to see 5 inches of snow on my car. While mildly annoying, it is really nothing new or extraordinary to anyone who has lived in New England for any extended period of time. However, this being the first significantly-accumulating snowfall of the year, tonight I will be partaking in a long-standing tradition of watching The Shining when I get home from work.

Years ago, my friend Craig suggested this as the perfect movie for when it's snowing, and my friends and I made a yearly ritual out of it. The idea was such a good one that it has stayed with me in the 10 or so years since it was conceived. But the real connection between the film and the conditions is obviously just the snow, not anything to do with Christmas or the holiday season in general.

For some reason, this got me thinking on a tangent as I was driving to work this morning at 15 MPH. Sure, there are plenty of bona fide Christmas movies out there, such as Bob Clark's ubiquitous A Christmas Story, or my personal favorite, Brian Desmond Hurst's 1951 version of Scrooge, starring the perfectly-cast Alastair Sim. But for some reason, I have always loved movies that are sort of about Christmas, but not really. Movies in which Christmas is featured, but in a more tangential or incidental sense. So, without further ado, here is my short personal list of favorite "Sort-Of Christmas Movies":

Die Hard - NYPD Detective John McClane (Bruce Willis) is invited to LA by his estranged wife (Bonnie Bedelia) to attend her office Christmas party. It just so happens that at the same time, a group of German terrorists (led by the incomparable Alan Rickman) has infiltrated and beseiged the entire building. In a series of physics-defying Christmas miracles, McClane manages to slip away, assess the situation, and pretty much singlehandedly kill the shit out of all the bad guys, while also managing to piss off the FBI and befriend the dad from Family Matters, who seems to always play a cop in everything he's ever been in. (Cracked's Robert Brockway weighs in on this one here.)

Gremlins - Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante bring us the story of a young bank teller who is given a bizarre and exotic Christmas gift by his eccentric inventor dad, Hoyt Axton. It is an impossibly adorable little furry thing called a mogwai, which, through the violation of some logically arbitrary "rules" and Corey Feldman being an idiot, manages to reproduce and spawn an army of evil, obnoxious reptiles. Chaos ensues, of course. I love this movie mostly because it manages to combine the elements of small-town politics from It's A Wonderful Life with the campy "Monsters are invading the town and the authorities don't believe me!" premise from virtually every monster and sci-fi movie of the 1950's.

Edward Scissorhands - In this highly stylized modern-day fairy tale about a hopelessly deformed misfit adopted by a suburban family, Tim Burton manages to maintain a charming tone while teaching us satirical lessons on morality, love, tolerance, gossip, and the origin of snow. Another bizarre cross-genre film that mixes the gothic feel of Frankenstein with the small-town sensibilities of Anytown, USA. Also notable for being Vincent Price's final film appearance, and I must say that for what amounts to little more than an extended cameo, he really added a beautiful dimension to the film as Edward's creepy-cute mad scientist "father".

Love Actually - A sprawling, sappy manifesto on the many facets of love, which I happen to think is completely adorable. This movie tells the 653 intertwining stories of 1,022 characters who all know each other or are related or fall in love or whatever. The brilliant Bill Nighy totally steals the show as the burned-out former rock star hilariously attempting to use Christmas to resurrect his fame and fortune. Also features some dated and awkwardly shoehorned-in UK vs. USA political commentary between altruistic Prime Minister Hugh Grant, and sleazy US President Billy Bob Thornton, when a momentary love triangle between them and Martine McCutcheon somehow translates into a pissy foreign relations incident. (??)

Brazil - Set during the Holiday Season in some unspecified, dystopian year in the near future, Terry Gilliam's masterpiece is a sort of tongue-in-cheek version of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty Four. In my opinion, this is not only an incredibly great movie and a chilling vision of a totalitarian and beaurocratic future, it is also the single most re-watchable movie I have ever seen (like, 50 times). If you haven't seen this movie, you haven't lived. Features top-notch performances by Jonathan Pryce, Ian Holm, Katherine Helmond, Robert DeNiro, Jim Broadbent, and Michael Palin. (Note: Also available in the despicably mangled studio edit, scornfully referred to as the "Love Conquers All" version. Do NOT watch this under any circumstances.)

So, there you have it. Something a little different for this year's Christmas movie-watching festivities, if you're in the mood. All of these movies are great on their own merits, but they are especially fun to watch during the holidays. Enjoy!

Muse Project Update

2009-10-29T09:35:00.005-04:00

After about 4 months of very off-and-on work on my Muse painting, I am nearing completion.

Life has been busy, especially at the old 9-to-5, due to the upcoming AWS and STAFDA trade shows in Chicago and Atlanta, respectively. Since about August, I have usually been too tired to do anything other than eat and take a nap when I get home from work. Shows are shipped, finally, and the stress levels are down a bit, at least for the time being.

In any case, updates on the progress of the Muse project can be seen in slideshow format here (requires Flash plugin). I have more photos in my camera, slideshow will be updated in the next day or two as I continue toward the finish line.

The Movie That Was Made Just For Me

2009-08-11T09:13:00.005-04:00

...And I don't even really know what it's about, exactly.

Mostly-genius filmmaker Terry Gilliam has a new movie coming out soon. Watch this trailer and tell me if your mind just completely explodes at the speed of light:

FINALLY, a movie in which Tom Waits plays the Devil. It's pretty much the role he was born to play, a thought that was cemented in my mind after listening to The Black Rider for the first time.

I could write about sixteen thousand paragraphs here about Terry Gilliam's body of work, which is pretty much hit-or-miss: in his case, "hit" equals mind-blowing film genius, and "miss" means it's just not his best work, but still pretty great. "Dr. Parnassus" looks to me like it's getting filed in the "hit" column for sure.

I Quit

2009-08-05T12:16:00.010-04:00

I quit smoking today. For realsies. I also found a nifty little gadget that helps me appreciate the progress I'm making and the money I'm saving.

Wish me luck, although I honestly don't think I'll need it. I read Alan Carr's "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" and it really did help change my mindset about quitting. Of course, I did have to read the book about 4 times for it to really sink in, but it was totally worth it.

With cigarettes in Massachusetts going from 5 to almost 8 dollars a pack over the last 2 years, I really had no choice. But also, I kind of don't want to die. I did some basic math last night before bed, and calculated that at the very LEAST, I have smoked about NINETY-FIVE THOUSAND cigarettes in the 13 years since I've started. That scared the living shit out of me, especially knowing what a cigarette filter looks like after you smoke ONE.

My girlfriend Andy and I made a deal last night, since we're both pretty much dead broke at the moment. "I'll quit if you will." The thought of us quitting together is a helpful one, but I mostly have Alan Carr to thank for my attitude this time around. Last time I tried to go cold turkey was New Year's Day, 2007. Total disaster. I was feverish, shaky, sweaty, and irritable all day long, and I caved. This time, none of that. It really does make me believe in mind over matter more than I ever have before.

So like I was saying, this little meter thing (below) is actually kind of helpful. It will be super-awesome when I can forget about it for a couple of weeks or months, and go back and look at it and realize the money I have NOT spent on cigarettes is in the hundreds of dollars. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a "live" version of it, so you have to refresh (F5) the page to keep updating the meter if you so desire.

Oh, and one other thing: I actually quit at 12:30 last night, but I figured it would be kind of cheating to count the 8 hours that I was asleep. I set the meter to start this morning when I woke up, just to be extra fair.

Adios for now.

The Onion Sells Out

2009-07-21T15:33:00.008-04:00

For any form of satire to be considered truly great, I believe it has to walk so close to the truth that it's barely distinguishable from it. Whether exaggerated or slightly understated, satire is probably my favorite form of comedy. It often brings about some of the most sophisticated, clever, and disturbing genius comedy has to offer.

Many years ago, my sister introduced me to The Onion, and its brilliant satirical walk through fake journalistic history called "Our Dumb Century". By creating imaginary past issues of a newspaper that would often make either terrifyingly true or intentionally false predictions about the future (which was actually the past or present), "Our Dumb Century" underlined much of the stupidity and ridiculousness of human progress and historical events. The 1969 Moon Landing, for example. Taking into account the entire scope of human history, it seems a little less exciting today than it probably did 40 years ago.

Today, after a long hiatus from reading The Onion, I clicked on it this morning before heading off to work, and was simultaneously awed, disturbed, and greatly amused by the Onion's latest meta-joke. The owner of the Onion, one T. Herman Zweibel (think the Simpsons' Monty Burns with a bad case of Alzheimer's) has sold the paper to China. Today's issue features disinformation, propaganda galore, self-aggrandizing nationalistic rhetoric, harsh criticism of Americans and American culture, and a lot of censorship. Included are such hilarious articles as:

Internet Adds 12th Website (see next paragraph for more on this)
China Strong
Nothing At All Happens to 28 Tibetan Protestors, Their Families
Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation
And much more.

This "sale" comes on the heels of many terrifying stories reported from China, such as the blocking of the wildly popular micro-blogging site Twitter due to the fact that it seems to have allowed too much communicating between Chinese citizens that directly contradicted official, sanitized government reports. The paper's sale also seems to have roots in the many shutdown scares of long-respected American newspapers on the verge of bankruptcy.

In any case, I applaud the Onion for bringing attention to such full-blown fascism, and doing it in such a way that makes us laugh instead of cry. The political and social climate in China remains fascinating food for thought, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop and have a few much-needed laughs along the way to whatever solution might lie on the horizon.

Theft or Flattery?

2009-07-16T09:34:00.004-04:00

After reading an interesting article on spam email and how it is generated, I decided to Google my email address. I was a bit disturbed to find that one of the search results was a post on some weird Italian pop music discussion board containing an outright theft of one of my favorite design pieces, a CD cover I made for a dear friend a few years ago.

Although I'm a bit annoyed that someone would steal my work without my permission, I realized that in this age of 1s and 0s, "borrowing" someone's digital artwork is only as easy as the artist allows it to be. I have been neglectful of this until now, thinking not only that my work was not popular enough by any stretch of the imagination to be stolen, but also that nobody would have the gall to do such a thing.

Part of me is also somewhat flattered, however. The idea that someone looking for an image to illustrate the phrase "Rainbow in the Dark" stumbled upon my work in a Google search (or whatever) and decided it was a perfect match, well... it's reaffirming in a way. Perhaps theft is an even more sincere form of flattery than imitation.

My solution at the moment strikes me as inelegant but necessary, at least until I find a better one. I plan to watermark all of the work on my site. I hope to achieve this in a manner that is subtle and obvious at the same time. Apologies in advance.

Something A-Muse-ing

2009-06-15T09:35:00.014-04:00

I have a new project underway, one that I'm pretty excited about. Having just received my glorious Adobe Master Collection CS4 package, and subsequently having to add another gigabyte of RAM to my computer because one of the boards died on me, I am completely geared up and rearing to go on my latest brainstorm.

Not being quite the prolific illustrator I had once hoped to be, projects involving the use of my hands and a paintbrush tend to be rare. However, they are almost always something I dive into with passion and enthusiasm, and I always find painting to be an enjoyable and very Zen undertaking.

This latest painting is a tribute to inspiration, and to someone who has been a constant source of ideas, feedback, and collaboration on some of the most important work I've done over the past year. She is my own personal Muse, and a damn good one, responsible for such varied inspirations as an idea for a movie script, comic strips, and input on the redesign of my website, portfolio and resume, and the recently completed trailer for "A Band of Roses". I'm hoping to have this thing done in time for her birthday (Guy Fawkes Day).

Lacking the convenience of posing living human models and costumes for this piece, I've been using Poser as a digital substitute. So far, so good. I intend to finish the poses, lighting, perspective/camera angles and a final render, and bring it into Photoshop to add a decent background and any image adjustments or effects I deem necessary. All of that will merely serve as a reference photo for the final phase, which is to transfer it to canvas and repaint it for a more organic finished piece. As it stands, here's where I'm at (still needs a lot of refinement, especially the lighting):

As for the painting itself, I'm currently leaning toward either oils or acrylics. Acrylic seems more likely, but I must admit my technique in that medium is pretty weak compared to working with oil. Oil is messy and takes forever to dry. I could switch to alkyds, but that would probably mean an investment of money into a completely new and unfamiliar medium, so I think I'll just stick with what I know. If I need it to dry faster, I'll just stick with my old standbys of liquin dryer and varnish.

More on this as I progress. In the meantime, you can view a running slideshow of the various phases on my Photobucket account.

A New Era of Illustratology?

2009-05-20T09:15:00.010-04:00

The trailer is done! It's posted on YouTube, and the customer, Pat McDermott, seems to be very satisfied with the results.

Upon uploading this video initially, I was faced with a major disappointment. For some reason, the video appeared blurry and pixellated, until I clicked on the little "HQ" toggle on the lower right side of the movie player frame. I was scrambling to find out what had gone wrong, and apologizing profusely to my customer for delivering a sub-excellent product.

It all made a little more sense after finding this blurb in the YouTube Help forums:

We made improvements to standard quality for video uploads! Unless there is a large difference between standard quality and HQ , the upload will produce standard quality by default (and not HQ as before).
In other words, the bar has been raised and you're going to find it hard to get HQ encoding at present, with the "upgrade" to "standard (normal) quality." It can be done but you may need to search the forum to find out possible ways that could work for you. Most of us are too tired to repeat ourselves on this, and no one I know is convinced they have a foolproof method forrendering that will ALWAYS give you HQ encoding.

In other words, the resolution and quality of my uploaded video was TOO GOOD. So good that YouTube split it up into high-quality and low-quality versions for the benefit of people with slower connection speeds. I will have to keep this in mind for future projects, as I think the whole HQ toggle thing is obnoxious, and frankly, unnecessary. If anything, the HQ display should be the default setting, allowing people to lower the quality if needed for streaming speed, etc.

Regardless, this is a very exciting milestone for me. I have been interested in working with video for many years, and have never really had the opportunity. Now I am dying for my recent purchase of Adobe Master Collection CS4 to arrive so I can do even cooler stuff from here on out.

Ms. McDermott is currently on a rampage (in a good way), posting this link on her site, her Facebook page, and sending it out to a staggering number of colleagues, web loops, discussion groups, and a company called Blazing Trailers that specializes in showcasing exactly this kind of media.

I am proud of my work on this project. If it generates some more work of this nature in the future, even better. I look forward to creating more trailers for Pat when she rolls out the remaining books in her series!

Another Summer For Screaming at My TV

2009-05-14T09:07:00.007-04:00

Just a quick one today. And, I must be honest, this thought has been on my mind for the last two weeks or so, but it took me popping over to Swaim's new article today to remind me. So, if it seems like I'm just copying him, I'm not. Swaim is a comic genius. I'm just an annoyed blogger.

Anyway, he just reminded me that if I ever find the guy at ~~Time Warner~~ Premier Parks who greenlit the UNFATHOMABLY OBNOXIOUS ADS for Six Flags all last summer, I'm going to kick him in the crotch repeatedly, until he begs me to kill him. Then I'm going to find some Japanese guy and pay him 100 bucks to just stand there and scream in the ~~Time Warner~~ Premier Parks guy's face for a couple of hours.

So this year, apparently the ad agency decided that people weren't responding well to the disembodied head of a Japanese hipster from the future screaming in your face about flags:

They've replaced it with the screaming disembodied head of an unbelievably creepy-looking bald fake old guy, hoping that it would be more user-friendly. It's not. It's worse:

Burn in hell, Six Flags commercials.

EDIT: Apparently Time Warner sold the Six Flags chain to Premier Parks in 1998, something of which I was completely unaware until today.

Coming Soon to a YouTube Near You

2009-05-12T08:58:00.013-04:00

I have spent the last month or so working in a completely new medium: video. Author Pat McDermott is shouldering a huge amount of the responsibility of promoting the re-release of her novel A Band of Roses, and as her graphic/web designer and marketing consultant, I have offered to try my hand at the trend of creating a video "trailer". Apparently it is a hugely popular marketing tool in the independent publishing world, typically a series of still images panning across the screen or zooming in/out, with accompanying captions to give the gist of the story.

The only problem is, many of these trailers aren't really very well done. I have watched several, and been disappointed (and occasionally embarrassed) by the lack of finesse, subtlety, pacing, and dramatic formula they tend to exhibit, making some of them seem more like PowerPoint presentations than marketing pieces. There are a few I've seen that are outright embarassing, and seem to have been composed with a sledgehammer and a shoehorn.

One in particular tells the story of a psychic of some kind who is on vacation. Slow, lilting music, scenes of stucco neighborhoods slowly panning by... and then, at about 1:00, scenes of lightning, zombies (using images from Resident Evil and other video games) and demons flash by on the screen accompanied by terrifying loud music. This goes on for maybe 5 seconds, and then abruptly returns to the previous music and pacing. No transition or even editing of the soundtrack. It was as if the zombie scene came from another trailer completely and was ham-fistedly pasted over the original piece.

I mean no disrespect to the creator of said trailer, but I do feel justified in offering some very frank and objective criticism when I see something like this. I suppose it's a side-effect of having the no-holds-barred Murray Tinkelman as my college professor, a guy who would just as soon throw a chair or tell you to get the hell out of his class than explain to you why what you did was wrong. Man, I miss that guy.

In any case, yes, there are elements of these trailers that are well-done, and I do like some of the photo choices that are vague and archetypal enough in nature to intrigue the viewer. Others are oddly out of place, too specific, and seem to completely kill the atmosphere of the overall piece. It's a book, after all. You can't show the viewer what the character is supposed to look like based on some available stock photography. I consider it far better to leave things as vague as possible and let the reader's imagination paint in the details.

The general problem with many of these efforts is one of presentation, and craftsmanship. It's entirely possible that the book the trailer advertises is a great one. But that will never matter if the marketing is no good. I consider myself lucky to have a formal education in art, design, and illustration, as I feel the concepts I learned over the years apply to this type of project just as they would a painting. I try to be conscious of the importance of the work as a whole, not just a string of "cool ideas" laid end to end, but a complete composition.

With that in mind, I took this project on, my goal from the start being to attempt to use the conventions of existing book trailer "culture", but present the finished piece in a way that was more dramatically relevant to a trailer you'd see for a big-budget film. I dusted off a 2-year-old copy of Adobe AfterEffects that I had been meaning to immerse myself in for some time, and a couple of textbooks I had bought when I planned on learning AfterEffects a while back (that never really materialized). I dove in, learned the basics, and progressed from a bumbling hack to a fairly competent craftsman within a week or so.

The trailer project is still in the draft stage, although not much remains before it's completed. I'm very excited to add this piece to my portfolio, and the skills of video compositing and animation to my general repetoire. You can see the current work-in-progress here.

More on this as I near completion. I have already added some live-action video and filled in the missing 15-second gap towards the end with the remainder of the captions, which Ms. McDermott and I ironed out to perfection over the weekend. I'm currently having a teeny bit of trouble getting a render of the most recent version completed (something wrong with the way AE is processing the soundtrack source file), but I'll continue to update the WIP link as changes are made.

Oh, and I forgot to mention... working on these may be a bit tedious, but it's fun.

Hollywood Must Be Destroyed

2009-04-13T15:42:00.012-04:00

Just need to flame off here about a commercial I just saw for a "new" movie starring apparently desperate actor Matthew Perry and "doesn't-yet-realize-he's-just-a-fad" Zac Efron.
Are you wondering why I put the word "new" in quotation marks? Here's why:

Oops, I'm sorry... I meant:

Screw you, Hollywood.

UPDATE: Apparently Gladstone over at CRACKED either had the exact same idea as me for this week's "Hate By Numbers", or he read my blog and totally copied me. Either way, it's an honor to have the same idea as one of the CRACKED Staff.

Blogging About Blogs

2009-03-23T12:54:00.019-04:00

Quick news flash! As of yesterday evening, author Pat McDermott now has a fully functional blog, which I suggest you read. Pat is the author of "A Band of Roses", and the upcoming "Fiery Roses", two action/adventure stories set in an alternate world in which Brian Boru survived the Battle of Clontarf and propagated the rule of Irish monarchy to the present day. Good stuff.

Her book can now be purchased as an e-book through Red Rose Publishing. It's very obvious after reading a single page that her novel is the result of a lot of hard work and research. The sequel, "Fiery Roses," is coming soon!

Lion vs. Lamb 2009

2009-03-18T09:23:00.021-04:00

March of this year has definitely followed the old adage thus far, not only in terms of weather, but also the general climate of life and work.

Kicking the month off with a bit of turbulence was an excellent trip back up to Rainbow Ridge for a pleasant weekend with some old friends. A new addition to the group this time around was Jack, the 16-month-old son of Brian and Amy. (More on this trip in a future post...)

On the heels of that, there has been getting back to reality and back to work, to finish up the website that I have been working with Matt Harkins on since the end of January. Final changes were completed on Sunday, and the maiden voyage from my hard drive, through the tubes, and out into the Internets was completed Monday night. Here's the finished site if you'd like to check it out. This guy does some pretty fabulous work. Of course, I'm hoping he feels the same about me... ha ha.

Next on the agenda is finalizing the blog architecture and template for author Pat McDermott. She has just completed a publishing deal with a new publisher to redistribute her first novel as an e-book, and the second installment is ready to launch. She asked me to help her get into the world of blogging, and remarked that it seemed a little odd for so many people to write about stuff and expect everyone else to actually care. I agree, for the most part. I blog for my own enjoyment, I honestly don't care all that much who reads this or why. However, in Pat's case, I think it would be roughly the equivalent of a veteran actor doing standup comedy gigs on the weekends to stay on his toes.

In any case, I will certainly make the announcement when her blog is complete, because I am sure she will have a lot of interesting things to share and talk about, her numerous travels not being the least of them. The work on my end is about 95% completed, we have a meeting scheduled this weekend to finalize it and run through her preferences, tweaks on fonts, colors, etc. You can see a preview of the work-in-progress here.

Point is, after a hectic start to March, I think I'm over the hump, at least for the moment. I have a few odds and ends to attend to, and the recent frenzy at my 9 to 5 gig has died down considerably. It's nice to be busy once in a while, but with the lovely weather of Spring just around the corner, it's also nice to be able to relax and enjoy doing nothing, which is what I do best.

Something Very "Funny"

2009-03-11T20:50:00.006-04:00

I am something of a grammar and spelling Nazi, and find myself ashamed beyond words when it's discovered that I've accidentally butchered the English language in some way. For the rest of you Nazis out there, have you ever seen a sign in a store, park, marquee, etc. that had unnecessary quotation marks around it? I have, far too often.

Looks like someone of like mind has created an entire blog dedicated to the discovered use of unnecessary quotation marks. After my difficulties with Jiffy Lube a couple of years ago, (yes Jiffy Lube, you suck shit and everybody knows it), one entry in particular caught my eye: A quick-lube place proclaiming, in gigantic plastic letters, to be The World's "Best" 10 Minute Oil Change. Killer.

Anyway, check it out, and think carefully about the unintentionally implied falsehoods contained in each example. They'll make you laugh.

Sorry for the whole Jiffy Lube tangent. I'm still pretty pissed about that whole mess.

A Look Into Our Insane Future

2009-03-04T09:28:00.034-05:00

I just took a peek at my Netflix queue to see what was headed my way once I return the movies I have at home. I was a little disturbed to find out what was destined to arrive in my mailbox in the very near future.

THIS:

In case you were wondering, yes that is Sean Connery. The movie, which I had until yesterday completely forgotten that I had ordered, is called Zardoz, a post-apocalyptic commentary on caste systems, organized religion, and apparently, fashion dos and don'ts.

Being a fan of the whole dystopia genre, my curiosity (which later deteriorated into morbid curiosity) was piqued when I heard about this supposed cult-classic by the guy who directed Deliverance, featuring former James Bond and future Juan Sanchez Villalobos Ramirez clad in a red diaper and suspenders. Um... apparently there's also a lot of stuff about penises in the movie too. At least, that's what I've heard. Based on that picture up there, I can hardly say I'm surprised.

In the last few years, I've been quite an avid fan of movies predicting bleak futures for humanity, mostly because of how plausible some of them seem. Before I continue with the real reason for this post, allow me to list a few of my favorite films depicting utterly insane, and largely believable, scenarios concerning the future of mankind:

The whole Mad Max trilogy: An Australian highway cop in a really awesome car goes nuts and exacts gruesome revenge after a biker gang kills his family. Later he becomes a legendary messiah figure, pisses off Tina Turner, and battles a retarded giant in a steel cage.

Logan's Run: The entire population of the US lives in a huge domed city controlled by computers. To stifle population growth, people celebrate their 30th birthdays with a mandatory mass-suicide ritual.

A Boy and His Dog: Don Johnson and a talking (?) dog named "Blood" try to survive as scavengers in a nuclear wasteland, and end up discovering an underground community of bible-thumping nutcases wearing clown makeup and overalls.

Equilibrium: To put an end to man's predisposition to violence and war, people are forced to take drugs that suppress all emotions. Christian Bale is a lawman who arrests/kills anyone who goes off their meds.

Wizards: Millions of years after humankind is wiped out by nuclear war, the forces of good (magic) and evil (technology) battle for dominance of the world.

THX 1138: Robert Duvall is a bald drone in a society of bald drones who is tricked into going off his mandatory mood-suppressing drugs and gets caught, sentenced, and imprisoned for his crime of having feelings and falling in love with his roommate.

Minority Report: Tom Cruise yells his way through this adaptation of Philip K. Dick's story of a future police department that can accurately predict the future and pre-emptively arrest criminals before they've even done anything wrong, opening up a whole messy philosophical and moral can of worms.

Demolition Man: Basically a re-telling of Huxley's Brave New World with guns, explosions, and Denis Leary. 'Nuff said.

And the list goes on and on, some examples being, of course, infinitely better than others.

So to all my friends, family, and loved ones: In case my mind does not survive the journey of Zardoz, know that I love you all and will see you on the other side.

Keeping Myself Busy

2009-02-24T16:07:00.007-05:00

In the past month or so, I've been doing some work on a few new projects and ideas, in addition to keeping (thank God) my regular 9 to 5, bill-paying job.

Keep an eye out for a more smoothly integrated photo gallery system on my site. I was using Web Gallery Creator, but I hate it. I mostly just used it because it was easy, but I had major annoyance issues with the fact that it wasn't possible to work with the code so that it fit into my own site template. At the moment, I'm screwing around with a nifty and simple little freeware program, which bears the hilarious title of "ThumbaWumba" (link here). I have one test-gallery posted already, but I need to perfect the HTML template before I take the time to process the rest of them (they've been taken down for the moment). I do NOT like the text-based controls(next page, previous page, etc.) and am planning to replace them with graphics.

Anyway, this one's pretty easy to use, and the templates are completely editable using HTML. One slight problem though, which I am amazed the program's author didn't foresee: The HTML template editing feature limits each line of code to a specific number of characters... let's say it's 60 for the sake of argument. This means any HTML tags that exceed those 60 characters get chopped in half and moved to the next line of code. Long lines of script and the finer details of image and href tags are destroyed in the process. Since my website's template uses a ton of rollover images, meaning tons of long-ass script in the head content, that does not make me happy.

I am about 99% of the way to finding a way around this using a system of Dreamweaver templates, because creating customized, easy and fast image galleries is going to be a huge factor in...

My latest project, which is a full start-to-finish website for a local custom homebuilding company. I'm very excited about this, I think I can safely say it is my most professional-grade freelance project to date. I would post a link to the test-site here, but I prefer to wait until the site is completed and the owner, one Matt Harkins, is satisfied with the results.

Beyond that, I have been learning SQL and ASP at work, and I find it both fascinating and mind-wrenchingly irritating. Luckily, I'm a quick study, because my knowledge of this stuff is quickly inflating my value to the company at a time where many people are uncertain if they will even have a job in the near future. (We'll see how well they remember this when I'm up for a raise in August.)

A few days ago, my boss said he had some bad news for me. I jokingly asked him if I was fired, and he said there was no way I was losing this job, even if I wanted to. Then he went on to tell me the REAL bad news, which was that he had somehow screwed up the data source for our current ASP project, meaning my entire day's worth of work on the company website had to be done over more or less from scratch.

Something a Little Scary

2008-10-30T20:41:00.012-04:00

In the spirit of Halloween and scary thoughts in general, here's a sketch of an in-progress piece that I consider something of a departure for me. It all started about a year ago after a few terrifying nights reading H.P. Lovecraft stories before bed. I decided to create something of my own based on all of the elements of Lovecraft's work that I found most terrifying.

At the moment, it's just pencil on newsprint, 18" x 24", and I must say, it is far more striking and disturbing as a real-life drawing than on a computer screen. Something I hope to remedy as I progress, obviously, but unfortunately it is a pitfall of displaying work in digital format. Something always seems to get lost in the translation to 1s and 0s.

Anyway, Happy Halloween, and enjoy.

Technical Difficulties

2008-10-29T10:29:00.004-04:00

Due to some incredibly frustrating coding problems with my blog template, I have opted to temporarily roll with one of the icky pre-fab Blogger templates (chosen more or less at random) to avoid potential glitches until I can figure out what the hell I'm doing.

Apologies, the Illustratology-style format will be back as soon as I can manage a rewrite.

Happy Halloween...Again

2008-10-28T20:52:00.004-04:00

Wow. Haven't blogged since last Spring, but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things. I have spent a significant amount of time since March/April reorganizing my entire life, from finances to bookshelves to digital photos. I also found a box of old sketchbooks, which was a weird trip down memory lane. I'll post a few pages when I get around to scanning them in. In the meantime, enjoy this photo of me, approximately age 4, dressed as Superman for what I believe was my first "official" Halloween outing, back in Braintree.

At any rate, recent events, travels, opportunities, projects, and relationships have inspired me to get back into the habit of blogging on the regular. After a mind-boggingly frustrating series of edits and modifications to my homemade blog template (I refuse to use any of the pre-packaged stuff that Blogger provides...ewww), I think I'm ready to begin. All I need now is the spare time, which lately has been a most precious commodity, but I feel it is necessary to make the commitment.

So-- Check back for more soon, my friends.

Time For a Change

2008-03-26T21:15:00.005-04:00

After some constructive criticism, a too-long hiatus from blogging, and an in-progress effort to organize my life and career somewhat, I wanted to announce some forthcoming changes to the site.

Effective immediately, or as soon as I get to it, the Blog will most likely be split into two separate blogs, and all unnecessary posts removed temporarily, until I can find a new home for them. Due to the lack of any apparent relevance between my social and political rantings and my graphic design/illustration efforts, I have decided to rein in this portion of the Blog to act as a self-serving promotional tool. Keep an eye out for posts including sketchbook pages and journal entries, info on projects in progress, and announcements of new clients, completed work, and general scuttlebutt about life in general.

Other changes to the site will be somewhat more subtle, but my aim is to increase the fluidity and navigability of the site overall, clean up outdated links and remove old and unimpressive projects, and make the experience of visiting Illustratology more interesting for any who dare to enter.

Thanks! Check back soon, changes will be ongoing for the next couple of weeks.

Apparently, 9/11 Changed Everything

2008-01-21T08:54:00.001-05:00

Apologies for no posts in several months, life has been a little rough on me lately. perhaps I'll elaborate on this in a future post, but I kinda doubt it.

So, I saw "Cloverfield" this weekend. When it comes to movies, I know myself pretty well. I have a fairly good radar for knowing which movies I'll like, and which ones look just plain idiotic. In the case of "Cloverfield", the intentional shroud of mystery and almost complete lack of description did exactly what it was supposed to: intrigue me into wanting to see it.

As I explained to my friend Becky, I tend to go for more artsy or dramatic movies, the occasional smart comedy, or maybe a surrealist mind-bender like "The Fountain". Honestly, I don't have a favorite genre, as long as the movie is good. In the case of big-deal blockbusters like "Transformers" or "Terminator 2", I also have moments of weakness, when something looks just so god damn cool that the possibility of not seeing it on the big screen is unthinkable. "Cloverfield" struck me as one of these. I did not have very high hopes, as these larger-than-life (in this case, literally) flicks are almost always a bunch of awesome eye-candy sprinkled over a plot that is so weak and full of holes that I have to groan aloud.

Well, the movie exceeded all of my expectations. Plus, it scared the living bejesus out of me, which is not easy to do with celluloid.

I can't really say much more about the movie itself, that's kind of the whole gimmick. The plot is really too simple and straightforward to elaborate on, but basically think "Blair Witch Project" meets "Godzilla". However, there is one thing that really bothers me about the whole concept, which has little or nothing to do with the movie itself. Apparently, some critics out there have accused "Cloverfield" of being "opportunistic" and insensitive to the memories of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center, and intentionally recalling images of dazed, bleeding people wandering around in a cloud of debris and dust to invoke those horrific attacks.

My personal response to this: So fucking what?

As we have heard countless times (especially from Rudy Giuliani), 9/11 Changed Everything. Did it also change us into a bunch of self-indulgent, crippled babies who will gladly use 9/11 as a pretense to endless warfare and xenophobia, but express outrage and curl up into a fetal ball when it's even hinted at in a film? Perhaps people of this bent are not familiar with the phrase "art imitates life". 9/11 happened. It's not forbidden to allude to it in a film. Look, "Cloverfield", regardless of the secrecy of the plot, is obviously about some kind of giant thing making a huge mess of New York City. You'd have to be an idiot not to realize this. If it bothers you, don't see the movie. Simple as that.

I understand it's a sensitive issue for many of us, but this should not, and MUST not dictate, what is acceptable or not in the arts. Hell, Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle were in a film last summer that was entirely based on the concept of a guy losing his family in the WTC attacks, and going totally nuts because of it. At least, that's the impression I got from the trailer.

Take a look at Japan. Their culture, especially in the realm of film and animation, has become completely infused with the idea of nuclear war, nuclear apocalypse, and nuclear weapons bringing about catastrophic doom. Ever wonder why? It's because we DROPPED GOD DAMN NUCLEAR BOMBS ON JAPAN, completely vaporizing two of their largest cities in a span of 3 days. Of course it's going to be on their minds! Yes, it changed everything.

We are not the only culture or the only nation that has experienced horrible attacks. In fact, perhaps the reason 9/11 is such an effective bogeyman for us is that it's the first time we can remember that WE weren't the ones blowing some shit up! Firebombing in Dresden, aspirin factories in Sudan, god knows how many hundreds or thousands of buildings in the Middle East, bombings and destruction of villages and mass-murder of civilians in Southeast Asia, two entire CITIES in Japan. The list could go on forever. But when someone attacks the US, we imagine that we're somehow special; exempt and perfectly insulated in this regard. Yes, it was tragic, yes it was horrifying and bloody and unbelievable and BAD, but the idea of editing the Twin Towers out of films that had already been shot at the time, and expressing outrage and pointing a finger of shame at those who would revisit that scenario seems a little ridiculous to me.

A Special Halloween Message

2007-10-30T14:29:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of my favorite Halloween movie ever, "Halloween III - Season of the Witch":

If you think Halloween III was stupid, you're wrong. It has the greatest ending of any horror movie ever made, compounded by the fact that I met a 60-something Tom Atkins at the "Rock n' Shock" show two years ago. He autographed my t-shirt, and did me the great honor of re-enacting this famous scene right to my face. Watch it here, and oh yeah-- don't forget to watch the big giveaway at 9!

What Happened to the Four Freedoms?

2007-10-08T21:24:00.000-04:00

I have just returned from a quite enjoyable Columbus Day Weekend in the Berkshires. Becky and I spent a few days driving around, swimming, eating, exploring, and just "getting away from it all". Our modest sightseeing adventures included a pleasant hour or two in the amazing Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, where I was reminded of what may be Rockwell's most touching and familiar works, the illustrations for the Four Freedoms put forth by Roosevelt during World War Two.

I found a site detailing the Freedoms, the essays on each one published in the Saturday Evening Post (as part of a massive and hugely successful campaign for Government War Bonds), and most importantly, Roosevelt's elegant definitions of each. While not explicitly stated in our Constitution, these Freedoms are more of a moral imperative for humankind than any freedom that can be granted by the words of legislative documents.
In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.

The first is freedom of speech and expression
-- everywhere in the world.

The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way
-- everywhere in the world.

The third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants
-- everywhere in the world.

The fourth is freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor
-- anywhere in the world.

That is no vision of a distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable in our own time and generation. That kind of world is the very antithesis of the so-called "new order" of tyranny which the dictators seek to create with the crash of a bomb.

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
excerpted from the Annual
Message to the Congress,
January 6, 1941
After seeing these paintings once again in person, I was struck by their universality, and the unvarnished, straightforward way in which each relates its specific Freedom to the viewer.

Coming from a former American President, one would think that each of these Freedoms, which inspired such iconic paintings that seem to represent the liberties and values Americans hold dear, would be first and foremost granted in the nation that identified them as necessities. However, almost 70 years later, Roosevelt's vision of what might be achieved in his own "time and generation" have been eroded so gradually and subtly, that they seem to be in danger of extinction both in America and "everywhere in the world," disappearing not with a bang, but a whimper. Granted, there are certainly those among us who recognize these erosions, and aim to halt and hopefully reverse them. Unfortunately, these groups and individuals seem to be a minority these days -- not a minority in their goals, but in the mere consciousness of the need for change.

1. Freedom of Speech and Expression (Everywhere in the World):
There are a brave few who still exercise this Freedom at their own peril. Today, we live under an administration that will not tolerate dissent, and intentionally isolates itself from criticism to create a perception of infallibility, inscrutability, and a clear disregard for the will of its citizens. Protest and assembly, one of our very first Constitutional Rights, is now confined to "Free Speech Zones", which are nothing more than glorified cages to protect our leaders from dissent or displeasure. Our news organizations, once trusted to deliver the truth and to expose the lies and machinations of governments around the world, are now corporate conglomerates with close ties and allegiances to political groups. The news and information we receive, mere steps away from outright propaganda, is now carefully crafted and engineered to keep us loyal, afraid, unquestioning, and woefully uninformed.

2. Freedom of Worship (Everywhere in the World):
Today, everywhere in the world, religious groups are being persecuted, demonized, murdered, displaced, tortured, and oppressed. Our own government has used religion as a crowbar to draw moral distinctions between ourselves and our enemies. Our Presidential candidates are publicly hoping that we end up with a "Christian President", while fundamentalist Christian groups are gaining more and more political influence with each election cycle. Recently, a Muslim Congressman was sworn in by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran, and not the Christian Bible, causing a wave of controversy and intolerance, due to preconceived notions tying the Muslim faith with extremist terrorism and political ideology. In a direct and flagrant affront to the vision of our Founding Fathers, religion and politics have become so intertwined, that they are almost synonymous.

3. Freedom From Want (Everywhere in the World):
In our world right now, 2 percent of the adult population possess over 50 percent of the world's wealth and assets, while the poorest 50 percent possess only 1 percent of this wealth according to a recent UN study. This may be a difficult set of statistics to imagine, (more on visualizing statistics here), but in terms of a representative analogy, consider this: If the entire population of Earth was represented by a group of 10 people, and the group was given 100 dollars to represent all the wealth of the world, the equivalent distribution would result in ONE PERSON posessing 99 of the 100 dollars, while the remaining 1 dollar would be SHARED by the remaining 9 people in the group.
There is almost certainly going to be disparity in wealth, class, and prosperity at any given moment, but the gap continues to widen. Millions of families and children of our own nation are without healthcare and/or living in poverty. If we are all entitled to Freedom From Want, it would seem that we are a long way from accomplishing it.

4. Freedom From Fear:
Fear is the driving force behind many of our every day decisions and actions. Fear of poverty, fear of crime, theft, loss, fear of death and injury, fear of our overall loss of security. We are constantly being reminded that "September 11th Changed Everything". We are constantly reminded that dangerous enemies wish to destroy us and our way of life, and that war is the solution to any number of continually-redefined problems in our world. Fear is the primary tool of a government that wishes to control us, be it the current administration, or any totalitarian, fascist, despotic, or dictatorial government in the entire history of human civilization.
We are not free from fear-- quite the opposite. Fear is spoon-fed to us every single day, be it fear of global terrorism, or fear of dying in a car accident. Fear of killer bees, sewer explosions, drowning children, accidental fires, exploding iPods, airplane crashes, power outages, rabid dogs, sexual predators, and home invasions can be found on any nightly newscast, any day of the week.

Fear of being unnattractive makes us buy beauty products and diet pills, fear of appearing unsuccessful influences us to buy extravagant homes and luxury cars. Fear of not being loved by our children convinces us to buy them toys, vacations, and expensive birthday bashes. For centuries, fear has been the single most exploited and useful emotion of humanity. Roosevelt's narrow definition of fear as it applies to military conflict is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the amazing array of fears that we must hope to someday be rid of. However, 70 years after Roosevelt's proclamation, we are no closer to shedding the fear of physical aggression in terms of the reduction of armed conflict and a continuing struggle for permanent world peace.
I am proud to be an American that embraces a vision of these Four Freedoms. I sincerely hope that within my own lifetime, I will witness--perhaps even participate in--a common effort to move mankind closer to achieving these goals. I thank Norman Rockwell for reminding me of the true America-- one that embraces our differences, not discourages them. One that promotes peace, goodwill, and prosperity, instead of the fruitless and unconscienable war that will surely define my generation.

Waste, Excess, and Consumption By the Numbers

2007-09-24T11:18:00.000-04:00

I came across an amazing photographic artist by the name of Chris Jordan. I cannot even begin to fathom how he creates his pieces, or how many dozens of hours of work went into each one, but they are truly amazing.

Jordan's apparent hope is to give us some concrete idea of what the statistical numbers we hear all the time are really about. For example, when you hear that 1.5 BILLION dollars a week are being spent by our government to fund the war in Iraq, sure it sounds like a lot of money. But really, you have NO IDEA how to process such a staggering quantity of ANYTHING. You have never seen a billion of anything in your entire life, with the possible exception of blades of grass in a field, grains of sand, and the like. Have you ever seen 2 million soda cans, 8 million toothpicks, or 426,000 cell phones? Nope. So, go check it out right now.

Chris Jordan has taken upon himself the task of translating these almost-meaningless numbers and statistics into tangible, concrete representations, usually laced with acid irony. His finished pieces are enormous wall murals and triptychs, which, as Jordan explains on his website, really should be seen in person for the full measure of impact and appreciation (mostly due to their staggering sizes).

Above: 426,000 Cell Phones.
The actual piece is about 250 times larger than this (60 x 100 FEET)

Anyway, this stuff is interesting and highly relevant, especially if you happen to be a statistician, accountant, or anyone else dealing with huge numbers. Go check it out.

Illustratology News Flash

2007-09-12T08:49:00.000-04:00

I have a new finished piece up on my Illustration page. If you haven't been over there in a while, maybe you should take a minute or two and check it out. There's some new stuff up there (newest stuff is generally towards the top of the page) that I've been too busy to announce to the world.

In other news... uh, nothing. I have some site design changes in mind, but it may be a couple of weeks before they go into effect, due to the tedious and daunting nature of web design in general. I'm also still working (sporadically) on a new pinup painting. No idea in the world when it may be finished, but I'm optimistic that it will be some of my best work.

End Transmission.

I Love Bacon

2007-08-23T11:47:00.001-04:00

I'll warn you right off the bat--there's really no point to this post. I have just been thinking about bacon a lot lately, due to some pretty hilarious bacon-oriented events and discoveries in the last few months.

Anyone who knows me as more than a casual acquaintance knows that one of my primary functions as a living being is to CONSUME BACON, and I'm really good at it. Yes, I realize it's probably not the best habit in the world. Add cigarettes and coffee to the equation, subtract exercise, and I'm basically enjoying the ride on the high-speed train to Death City. However, unlike smoking, I have successfully (and sadly) curbed my bacon consumption to a mere shadow of what it once was.

During my last two years of college, it was well known to roommates and close friends that I would spend the majority of every Saturday and Sunday morning frying me up anywhere from a half-pound to a pound of delicious bacon and a big pot of coffee, and spend two or three hours eating bacon, watching cartoons on TV, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes. Man... what a way to enjoy a day off. It was the perfect combination of childhood and adulthood: Complete disregard for my adult-ish responsibilities, my health, and any motivation to be productive, coupled with the adults-only pleasantries of coffee, smokes, and the ability to cook something hot and greasy without ending up in a Shriner's Hospital packed in ice.

Later, as my employment with University Food Services progressed from a simple lunchlady position up the dining-hall food chain to Student Supervisor, I realized that although I rarely used the employment benefit of free dining hall meals, it was an ideal way to score tons of free bacon. I stopped buying it at the grocery store, and made the mile-or-so walk from Euclid Avenue to Sadler Dining Center on the weekends, and took full advantage of the facility's all-you-can-eat policy, walking to the cafeteria table with a nice big plate piled high with greasy, delicious bacon. Mmmm....

Nowadays, bacon does not take quite as high of a priority for me, although I still love it as much as ever. I find that the stomach cramps I get from eating a pound of bacon in one sitting tend to outweigh the sensory pleasures of bacon's oily, crunchy deliciousness.

Imagine that you had a magic carpet. There's no denying that however often you use it, it's pretty damn awesome. But let's say riding on the magic carpet gives you motion sickness. Would you stop using it forever? No way dude, because it's a fucking magic carpet. So, in keeping with that analogy, however lame, I will sadly report that my bacon-eating has been reduced to an occasional luxury rather than a dietary staple.

When I saw an ingenious skit about bacon on my once-favorite show, The State, I felt like I may have been the only person on this Earth to completely relate to the feelings of a man (Ben Garant, probably better known for his role on "Reno 911!", and as director of the new flick "Balls of Fury") who adores bacon enough to make a dress out of it and tell it (bacon) his troubles when he feels mopey. I was also insanely jealous for not having been the first one to write a song singing the praises of bacon.

Take a look, and tell me this isn't some hardcore bacon-love:

In other bacon-related news:

Bacon-themed gifts from friends and family have become something of a tradition in my life. My good friends Lura and Dan bought me some Gummi Bacon for Christmas last year. I kind of doubt I'll ever eat it, it just seems a little too weird. But it is proudly displayed on my kitchen wall as a sort of trophy attesting to my love of fried strips of pig fat. My sister and her boyfriend have followed suit, giving me the magical gift of a Bacon Wallet for my birthday last month. I carry it proudly, and although it is a mere vinyl synthesis of what an actual bacon-crafted wallet would look like, it somehow manages to coat my credit cards and money with some sort of sticky film, almost as if it were emulating the effects of the real thing. I even received Christmas gifts thoughtfully wrapped with presumably expensive and hard-to-find bacon wrapping paper last year. You'd be surprised how many bacon-themed gifts, gags, and novelties there are out there. I, on the other hand, would not. I know I'm not the only baconophile out there.

As for the real catalyst which prompted me to blog an utterly insane tribute to my favorite foodstuff-- it all happened during a drive up to New Hampshire for a cigarette run two nights ago. After attempting a shortcut back to Massachusetts and getting lost, I eventually found my way back to Route 101 in Bedford. By this time, my bladder was screaming in agony due to the 2 huge cups of coffee that had accompanied me on my travels. I pulled into a gas station and asked if I could use their restroom.

While washing my hands and then cursing God after finding only a hot-air dryer to dry them with, I noticed what may well be the funniest thing I have ever seen. It looked something like this:

Sigh... if only there was a way to make this a reality instead of a cruel joke. While bacon may be less than useful when drying one's hands, the benefits of some sort of bacon-dispensing machine in every public restroom would transform America into my own personal paradise.

In any case, a quick Google search the next day revealed that this was hardly an isolated incident. In fact, the whole "Push Button -- Receive Bacon" gag had, unbeknownst to me, become something of an internet and pop culture meme, as evidenced by my search results.

Once again, I was kicking myself for not being the person who thought of this. So whoever you are out there, you have won my admiration and respect for being a comic genius on the topic of the most delicious of fried pork products. Thank you from the bottom of my cholesterol-polluted heart.

Dave, My Mind Is Going...I Can Feel It

2007-08-02T23:15:00.000-04:00

I have decided that the end of the world has officially arrived.

Here are a few indicators that I'd like you to contemplate:

1. ANOTHER REMAKE of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Actually, this one is just called "The Invasion". Maybe Hollywood thought if they left the "Body Snatchers" part out of the title, nobody would notice that this is the ~~THIRD~~ FOURTH TIME in 50 years that the same movie has been made. What makes this even more bizarre is the irony involved.

A soulless replica of a movie based on the concept of soulless replicas.

2. You won't believe what I saw last night (adding to the enormous pile of reasons that I detest television). A GMC Truck commercial, nothing extraordinary in its own right. Now, I think it's safe to assume that most of us have seen, and been at least moderately disappointed by, commercials (especially for cars) that feel the need to adopt classic rock anthems from years past in order to "relate" to the prime car-buying generation. We've heard The Who, Bob Seger, and countless others selling the rights to their songs, apparently along with their very souls, to The Man for a few bucks. It never fails to fill me with sadness and disappointment.

Last night however... my mind was utterly blown. The old Genesis classic, "Turn It On Again" was the theme music in a god damn truck commercial. Now, I ask you: Does this seem as somehow wrong and surreal to you as it did to me? Maybe when you see it for yourself, you'll understand. I am a big fan of Genesis... well, at least in the true prog-rock years (which pretty much just means the years that Peter Gabriel was still in the band), but Abacab-era, Phil Collins Genesis wasn't too bad either. A frigging truck commercial. Wow.

I have a definite feeling that someday in the not-too-distant future, we'll be seeing commercials for the new Honda Hovercar 5000, with the melodious strains of Limp Bizkit or Sir Mix-A-Lot or something, preying on our sense of nostalgia to sell us junk we don't really need. Whatever.

3. In better news, I saw "The Fountain" last night for the first time. Darren Aranofsky has yet again outdone himself. Honestly, I can't even tell you anything about the movie, it would just ruin it for you. All I ask is that you go rent or buy it as soon as humanly possible, sit back, press "play" and let your mind go swirling away.

My only problem with the movie is this: Where in the name of God can Aranofsky go from here? The guy's like, in his early 30's and has already made, in my opinion three of the most incredible movies of all time; "Pi", "Requiem For a Dream" and now this. If he continues to improve his craft, I fear it will blow my mind so badly that I shall have to spend the rest of my days in a sanitarium. That, or he'll make a film so amazing, that it will simply destroy the fabric of time and space with it's fabulousness. I'm doomed either way.

Hey It's My Birthday!

2007-07-28T10:29:00.000-04:00

Here's a pertinent comic strip from my current favorite cartoonist on earth over at the Perry Bible Fellowship:

R.I.P Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

2007-04-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

So it goes.

There's nothing I can say that can accurately convey the sense of loss I feel over one of the 20th Century's most important authors, except that his writing had an amazing way of putting everything -- our actions, our mere existence, the universe itself -- into perspective. Vonnegut was a man who broke down the hugeness of our planet, and the monstrousness of our species, into childlike concepts. I will never forget seeing him on a tv interview, advocating a new and much-needed Cabinet position: "Secretary of the Future".

Here's a pretty comprehensive summing-up of his life.

(Although they left out the part where he wonders aloud how long he was going to have to wait before the damn cigarettes finally did their job and killed him already.)

One more thing: Kurt Vonnegut, a cynical, curmudgeony genius, would no doubt appreciate the minimal media coverage (or lack thereof) concerning his death, and what it ultimately says about our culture and its fascination with "celebrities" vs. "actual important topics 1 through infinity". After browsing through several other blogs and message boards, it was difficult to keep from crying when I read the messages of grief and loss from his readers. Unfortunately, we have no problem focusing our attention on (for example) Anna-Nicole Smith and her death, her fortune, the lineage of her child -- for WEEKS on end. But the passing of a brilliant mind like Vonnegut's will surely receive only the most cursory mentions on tonight's news broadcasts. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

Note: I just checked Google News. Anna Nicole Smith is at the top of the quick-links list for today's news, with over 2,100 related articles. Kurt Vonnegut's death is listed about 3/4 of the way down the page, with about 800.

The Popov Society Rides Again

2007-03-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

On the weekend of February 24th, 2007, the esteemed members of the Popov Society (est. 1997, Syracuse NY) came together for their first official winter session.

The meeting was held at the borrowed mountain getaway of Justin Guinan, Doctor of Veterinary Butorphenology and host of this winter's activities. In attendance were myself, "Surly" John Tomaselli, "Pukey" John Laughlin, "Commander" Craig Peterson, "Jeffy Jeff" Jeff Feligno, Brian "Voice of Reason" Rickard, and a dog named Roxy.

The Popov Society typically meets annually during summer months for sessions involving camping, drinking, listening to music, swimming, and other activities too banal or frowned-upon-by-society to mention. The Society was formed in the spring of 1997, when several college students living in the same complex became friends through a series of chance meetings. Almost every member managed to become violently ill from ingesting Popov Vodka, with the curious exception of "Pukey" John, who did not puke at all until a single non-Popov-related incident years later, when he passed out and vomited on the Doorborough couch.

Highlights of the weekend's activities included:

The assembly of one of the two mystery puzzles contained in a murder mystery game called "C is for Chocolate".
A violent attack from a Satanic ladybug.
Somehow managing to hit myself in the face rather hard with a refrigerator door. My head still hurts and it's 6 days later.
Wondering if Mike Mursch was going to surprise us by appearing over the vast horizon on a magic carpet, blasting Boston and drinking Iron City Beer.
Reading through the book version of "Puppetry of the Penis" that we discovered in the basement.
Discovering the existence of "Bruce Porn Road" only a few miles from our location.
Eating smoked venison sticks, thoughtfully provided by "Pukey" John.
The presence of an actual ~~Swiss~~ German cuckoo clock.

The tentative plan of the Popov Society is to revisit the Stamford, NY house in late June of this year for the summer session, as opposed to the usual camping trips to Arkville or to the Pennsylvania border for mud-soaked weekends at Soaring Eagle Campground. The presence of running water, showers, indoor toilets, and pre-existing shelter make this new location the most popular one yet.

If we return, I have every intention of exploring Bruce Porn Road, as I have read there is a pretty good hike along a gorge nearby. In the meantime, enjoy the photos from our weekend sloth-fest.

Roller Derby Kicks ASS!

2007-02-11T17:52:00.000-05:00

Last night Becky and I went to the Roller Derby. If you haven't been to one, you are missing out on one of the most intense and insanely enjoyable ways to spend an evening that I can think of.

It. Kicks. ASS.

I am no sports fan by any means. I enjoy a good hockey game from time to time, but most other sports, professional or otherwise, seem to have fallen prey to the unfortunate syndrome of the modern-day participants having outgrown the rules that were crafted close to a century ago. A sort of athletic inflation, if you will.Roller Derby is quite different than anything you've seen, I guarantee. Two teams of badass women compete for points in a bout with an amazingly simple set of rules.

A bout (the overall match) is made up of three 20-minute periods. Each period is filled with 2-minute "jams" in which one member from each team (known as the "jammer") tries to pass all members of the opposing team at least once without getting blocked or knocked out of bounds. For each opposing player the jammer passes after initially taking the lead, a point is awarded. Although the blocking techniques can result in some brutal collisions and spills, there are formal rules as to how the blocking is done. Elbowing, tripping, or any sort of pushing with the hands is forbidden, and will eventually result in the offender being sent to the Penalty Box. This leaves a wide variety of techniques by which the "blockers" may prevent a jammer from passing by. Collisions with hips, full-body obstruction, and "booty blocking" (named so for obvious reasons) is allowed.

All technical explanations aside, this would be fun to watch even if you had no idea what was going on. But the rules and general gameplay are thoughtfully explained and demonstrated before each bout, for the edification of the entire audience. This is one of the excellent aspects of going to see the Boston Derby Dames play: It is an open and friendly event that can appeal to anyone. There's no inherent rivalry between teams, no anger or outrage from fans, and there's plenty of music, beer, snacks, and helpful banter from the announcers to make it virtually impossible not to have fun.

Anyone who knows me will recall that when it comes to sports, I don't care. At all. In my younger days, I was a big fan of the Boston Celtics, and Larry Bird was and is my greatest all-time sports hero. But as the 80's gave way to the 90's and the domination of the sport by players like Jordan and Shaq, I lost interest. Basketball is still a good game, but the problem is that the players have gotten too good for the rules, and eliminated much of the challenge, teamwork, and fast-paced strategic execution that used to amaze me. I still think the net should be raised one foot in order to keep the evolution of the game congruous with that of the athletes.I played Little League as a kid, and liked baseball a lot. I saw Roger Clemens pitch for the Red Sox in his rookie year, and was amazed at his skill. But in the last decade, I have soured on pro baseball as well. My gripe is that pro baseball players, like most modern-day professional athletes, have been conditioned to think that because they can throw a ball or run fast, that they are better than anyone else. The reason is money. A pro athlete today can expect to make millions of dollars a year, be considered a priveleged celebrity, and, in extreme cases, be the stars of bad films, rap albums, and outrageously high-paying product endorsements. I have never felt that athletes should be comparable with movie stars. Actually, I don't even think movie stars should be treated like movie stars. The word "professional" implies that you do what you do because it's your job, not because it makes you a superstar millionaire. Do I sound bitter and jealous? Think what you want, because I'm not. I will be the first person to encourage people to seek out employment that they will enjoy for the rest of their lives, and if you happen to make millions doing it, more power to you. My issue is that professional sports, along with acting, singing, and other hyper-glorified professions, project standards and aspirations to the average person that are unreasonable, misleading, and loaded with almost certain disappointment.

But all that is a topic for another day. Back to the point, seeing a Derby bout is fun and family-friendly, in the same sense as going to a minor-league baseball game would be. The tickets are inexpensive, and you can't help but be swept up by the fast-paced action and intensity of each jam. It's a relatively low-to-no-frills event, there are no cheerleaders or celebrities singing the National Anthem. Certainly there are merchandise sales, advertisements, and contests, in a sense. But it's all very down-to-earth; Advertisements come from local sponsors (largely roller-skating rinks), merchandise is reasonably-priced. In my opinion, Roller Derby is to sports what punk rock is to music. Its own existence is a statement in and of itself. It really doesn't matter how great you are, who wins or loses. Stripped down, simplified, and a venue not only to perform, but to simultaneously and expressively be yourself and reinvent your own image and personality. Skaters, referees, and even the announcers sport descriptive aliases that sound like something out of professional wrestling-meets-Mad Max.

Oh, and don't be intimidated by all the Bettie Bangs, tattoos, fishnet stockings, and piercings. You don't have to shop at Hot Topic to enjoy a Roller Derby. It's not a rave or a poetry slam, but a simple and straightforward sport that has evolved into the perfect athletic outlet for the modern young woman (especially the modern young woman with a colorful name like Goldiboxx, Maura Buse, or Wanda Whipya). Flat-track Roller Derby got its start in the 1930's, originally designed as a simple length-based race around a track. Inevitably, collisions and inadvertent injury ensued much to the excitement of the audience (who, I imagine, would otherwise have been bored to tears), and the concept was reimagined as a co-ed contest with the same basic rules as are used today.

Roller Derby never really caught on as a major sport, but enjoyed spikes of popularity in the 1950's, 1970's, and of course, in the 1990's on the now-defunct TNN's "Rollerjam". (TNN is now Spike TV, and is basically a televised version of Maxim Magazine. It's no surprise that sweaty short-skirted roller-chicks crashing into each other was a precursor to what the station is today.)

The national Derby league that includes last night's Boston Derby Dames is called the Women's Flat Track Derby Association. It is primarily owned, operated, regulated, and moderated by the skaters themselves. In a world where corporations pay millions to put their name on a home run or instant replay, this is impressive to me. The whole enterprise is a refreshing and engrossing pastime, and I certainly intend to go to as many bouts as possible as they are announced.

If there's a WFTDA team near you, I demand that you go check it out at once.

Here are some photos from last night's bout between the Boston Massacre and the Philadelphia Liberty Belles, themed "Slaughters of the Revolution!". (Sorry about the quality, it was very dark at the venue.)

Groundhog Day

2007-02-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

Is it "Groundhog" or "Groundhog's" day? I never really knew for sure.

Anyway, this day is kind of a bizarre and pointless tradition, but this year ol' Phil has predicted an early Spring for the first time I can remember. I wonder if this has anything to do with global warming?

Ok well, it may be a silly day and a silly tradition, but the movie of the same name is one of my all-time favorites. Here's a politicized spoof by Tom Tomorrow. Enjoy!

I Just Don't Understand Spam: A Rant

2007-01-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

I hate spam, and I know I'm not the only one.

Wikipedia, my favorite semi-reliable source of knowledge, describes "spam" (as it applies to email) as "Unsolicited Bulk Email". Basically, a modernized version of junk mail, except that it mostly has to do with increasing the size of your penis and helping Nigerian bankers smuggle some dead guy's money.There has probably been some form of spam in existence since the beginning of human history.

Almost everyone has, at some point, found flyers or ads or bible verses stuck under their windshield wiper. Go to Las Vegas, and you'll see guys about every 8 feet all the way down the Strip, handing out little cards to everyone who passes by, regardless of age, sex, or demeanor. These cards typically feature photos of unclothed women, complete with phone numbers for escort services, stripping agencies, or phone sex lines. It makes me wonder-- did they do this kind of thing in Ancient Rome or other eras of civilization? I can understand how movable type and the Industrial Revolution made advertising in ALL forms a lot easier, and a lot more pervasive, but in the grand scope of history, those are pretty recent developments. I do theorize that there has always been pornography or some form of selling sex, and probably there have always been scams and salesmen. Do you think cavemen handed out stones with cave-paintings on them to advertise hot cavewomen that would come to your cave and dance and grunt for only 5 pig-skulls? I think it's not only possible, but fairly likely.

So, let's move forward a couple million years, to a time and place in which every morning I have between 200 and 600 emails in my inbox. On some days, 100% of these are spam. Other days, I get one or two real messages from friends or family or clients. The other 598 messages are the most obnoxious, idiotic, unsolicited hogwash I have ever seen.

Look, I understand the principle. I work in marketing, and much of my job consists of finding cost-effective ways to raise awareness and sales of my company's products. Advertising by email costs virtually nothing, and occasionally it may actually help promote a business or gain customers. But how are you going to promote a product with subject lines full of complete nonsense? Is this actually fooling anyone? I'm talking about the really spammy stuff, the messages that have subjects like some of the ones I received today:

He my vendetta - (What does this even mean?)

Everything for you penis at low prices - (My penis has everything it needs, thanks.)

in aback as waggle - (Again, total nonsense. How is this supposed to entice me to buy things?)

New Winter Poetry Contest - Enter Now! Win 10,000 Dollars - (I don't write poetry)

In fact, Mr. David Wong has compiled a hilarious Spam Subject Line Museum at his Pointless Waste Of Time website. My examples seem rather tame compared to some of his listings. Reinforcing my point; is anyone actually opening these emails? And if not, what's the point of sending trillions of them?

See, when you're in Las Vegas, and a guy is handing out sex-cards, you have the option of not taking one if you're not interested in paying for sex, or you could take one and throw it in the next available garbage can. If you actually wanted a midget sex message from Muswellbrook Netball Association Vice President Tracy Goldman, you would probably just call her up and ask if she would be willing to give you the scoop on midget sex (don't get your hopes up, I'm sure she's very busy). With spam, you are constantly getting dozens of repeated emails trying to sell you things that there is absolutely no chance you would ever want or need (like a midget sex message, because I'm actually not even sure what that entails. Is it a message you need to hear if you ARE a midget, or does the midget give you the message? Either way, I'm not interested).

The reason I even mention any of this is because spam is not only annoying, it is fast becoming dangerous. In recent years, spam and similar maladies like spyware, viruses, autodialers, etc. have shifted from being passive annoyances to very proactive and aggressive tools of destruction. With every safeguard we can install on our computer, some genius with way too much time on his hands finds a new loophole.

In a recent news story, a 40-year-old substitute teacher is in danger of being sentenced to 40 YEARS in prison for accidentally and unwittingly exposing a classroom full of 7th-graders to various pornographic pop-up advertisements that appeared out of nowhere while letting the kids surf the net on the class computer. As it turns out, in this case, the teacher had hired a lawyer who was woefully uninformed and unprepared to specifically place the blame on spammers and spybots. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her appeal, as she has already been convicted of 4 felonies in this case.

A couple of years ago, some asshole company saw fit to install an ad on my computer without telling me. This ad was for something called The Amazing Diet Patch, a transdermal patch that pumped you full of some sort of diet drugs. This ad would pop up at random moments, complete with a very loud female announcer who would tell me all about the diet patch, and scare the bejesus out of my cat. When I wasn't hearing Diet Patch Lady's voice in my nightmares, I was hearing it in reality because it woke me up out of a sound sleep from the office next to my bedroom. I became so frustrated with the ad that I tracked down the phone number for the shady-sounding company that was behind the product, called them up, and demanded to be transferred to the tech department to explain how to get the thing off of my system. Since I was talking to some order-entry paean who probably had no idea what I was talking about, I got nowhere with this request.

My point is that there is no reason this ad should have been installed to begin with. If I want a diet patch, I'll go find one and buy it. If I want porn, or a midget sex message, or information on penny stocks, I'll seek it out on my own, thank you very much. I hate spam and spyware much as I would hate someone breaking the window of my apartment to sneak in while I was asleep and ask me if I wanted to buy something. Even if it was something really, REALLY good.

When spam and its ilk cross the line from annoyance to invasion, we all need to step back and realize that although there are some laws to govern this type of activity (like the CAN-SPAM act), there is no real way to enforce them until the damage has already been done, whether it's damage to your peace of mind or to your PC. So I will make a plea to all you spammers out there:

Please just stop doing what you're doing. Your way of doing business should be illegal, and at the very least it should give you trouble sleeping at night. If your products were any good in the first place, you would not need to resort to sneaky and cryptic marketing strategies. Nobody is shopping online for Diet Patches, searching for midget sex messages, or in need of any sort of herbal substitutes for marijuana unless they are really, really dumb or desperate. Your day will come!

Why I Gave Up On Comic Strips

2007-01-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

When I was at SU, I had a comic strip in the Daily Orange that ran two days a week, called "Welcome To My World". It was poorly drawn, but I was more focused on the humor at the time. Probably my biggest inspiration at the time (1998-2000) was a little strip from Canada called Space Moose. If you've never seen it, there's really no way to do it justice with a simple explanation (warning - it's NOT for kids.)

In recent months, I've been considering starting up a new series of comic strips, because at least once a day I have an idea that I think would be pretty funny. The only problem is, there are already so many strips out there on the Web that are amazing and hilarious, that it's actually kind of discouraging. I'm fairly certain that nothing I can come up with will ever be as good as some of the genius I've seen out there. I'm sure you have felt the same way about something before, be it music, art, writing, or whatever.

Anyway, I still may end up doing a strip if I can force myself to work hard enough on it. But for now, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you. If you're planning to read any of these while you're at work, at church, or while someone is taking a nap in the other room, I strongly advise against it, because it's guaranteed that some of these will make you laugh WAY out loud. Check it:

"Get Your War On" - A highly political strip that I assume evolved from the author's prior series, "My New Filing Technique is Unstoppable". Both are absolutely insane and fantastic commentaries on the state of business, world politics, and clip art.

"The Perry Bible Fellowship" - Hilarious and disturbing at the same time. The author is an SU grad (just like me!) who used to have a strip in the Daily Orange (just like me!). One way in which he is not just like me is that his comics are an equal blend of witty dark humor and fantastic craftsmanship.

"This Modern World" - You may recognize Tom Tomorrow's work from my links page. His comics are hosted on Salon.com and WorkingForChange.com, as well as in many newspapers across the nation.

Go check these comics out, but be sure to heed my warnings. Otherwise, you might get in trouble for uncontrollable laughter.

Quitting Smoking

2007-01-18T23:40:00.000-05:00

So... for the second year in a row, I made a New Year's Resolution to quit smoking for real. So far, I have not succeeded, but I've made some serious progress. According to my calculations, my daily cigarette consumption is down by about 80%, and on top of that I've switched to Ultra Lights.

I've just learned a really unsettling fact, by the way. Light and Ultra Light cigarettes are meaningless. They're just regular filtered cigarettes with tiny holes poked in the filter, so when you take a drag you're getting a little extra air mixed into the smoke. They "test" the levels of tar and nicotine using a machine that "inhales" the smoke from the end of the filter. What they don't tell you is that most humans who smoke cigarettes typically hold them using their fingers, which effectively cover most of these tiny holes, rendering them pretty much useless.

Ultra Light cigarettes taste basically like just sitting in a really smoky room and breathing the smoke-filled air. Unsatisfying and gross, and it still makes you smell horrible.

Anyway, wish me luck everyone. I can't afford to smoke anymore since moving to Massachusetts, and once I sat down and realized that I've been a smoker for over 10 years, I decided that it's kind of important to not die. My parents are offering to split the cost of laser acupuncture treatment with me, but even divided in half, it's still too expensive for me to afford at the moment.

I also just read this article and got extremely pissed off. Not that the cigarette industry was really doing anything that great for me before I found out, but seeing the article just made them seem so much more evil. I guess even if they send me free flashlights and travel dominoes sets and mix CDs, in the end they're still basing their business on profiting from my self-destruction.

More on this as I progress (or don't)...

Illustratology Blog Announcement

2007-01-18T08:18:00.001-05:00

Coming in February 2007 (or sooner)!

Yes, I am becoming one of those "blog people". If you'd like to know what the blog is going to be about (eww.. I hate the word "blog"... I wish it was called something else. It sounds like some kind of gross combination of "blood" and "egg") I really don't know quite yet.

This blog is mostly inspired by sheer laziness, please note the irony of that statement, since the actual mechanics of putting the blogging tags into my own web format were a living hell that drove me to the brink of insanity. I just decided months ago that I wanted an extremely simple and fast way to post any random thoughts, ideas, or news that I had onto my site without having to go through the whole hassle of republishing a page every time.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it when it actually begins to accumulate some substance.

-Rick